So I don't really use this guy anymore, I tumblr like a crazy but I'm having one of those crazy-insecure moments that the ADD and sleekness of tumblr can't handle. So I'm going back to this buddy, right here.

I am so nervous, and so stressed out. When I applied to jobs in March, I thought I was ahead of the game. Turns out, damn economy begs to differ. It's May and I'm squabbling for a job like everyone else. I had promised myself in March I would get a job--or two--for the summer to help pay for Voice and Dance lessons. I know, silly, right? But I've never had a voice lesson and stopped dancing when I was 8. And going to college as a theater major made me realize how behind I am than everyone else. The textual, cerebral stuff I can handle...but everything else, the shit that people judge you on first and the shit that gets you hired I am soooo behind on. So I need this, so, so, so, badly. I'm taking voice & dance lessons in the fall, but the crazy part of my brain is pressuring me to do stuff this summer because I can't waste any more time. I'm not trying to suck the fun out of performance with all this pressure I'm putting on myself. I'm just freaking out on how unfair it is that all I want is to be employed SOMEWHERE, I don't care where now. I need to make enough money to help my parents pay for these lessons. I've got to do something if I want to make a career out of this, you know? So there's this extra pressure I have beyond needing a little pocket money. I was planning to really work this summer. Work at something I love.

I'm struggling to deal with how unfair life is.

I gotta keep trying, gotta, gotta.
I hate how in retrospect, rereading this I feel unbelievably silly. Think of the single mothers, people out on their own taking these minimum wage jobs because they need rent for their homes. But am I to blame for complaining about my lack of employment that will give me voice&dance lessons? No, I didn't put the economy in this way so that middle-aged people are vying for the same jobs as me, an 18 year old. I'm obviously just frustrated and in a bad mood and feel like it was a job that would help me jumpstart this goddamn theater career I'm obviously under prepared for.

Goddammit, I'm done. Time to eat some more soy ice cream. As usual.

( brain mush )

It just hit me today that I began this year literally jumping into auditions for college. Syracuse auditions were January 4th. Beyond the realm of theater and acting, other dimensions and emotions of this year were excitement, incredulous-ness (?), disappointment, giddiness, silliness, anxiety, nausea (literal nausea and pretentious-cum-existential nausea), stress, curiosity, isolation and the consequential immersion into being a human being again, after seven years of numb dormancy. I've left the overcritical people behind me. I'm in Oakland again but I've finally left the soul of Oakland, it's dead and buried somewhere in my backyard. Even though my asthma is making it a bitch to physically breathe, emotionally and mentally I'm breathing again. I'm no longer thinking that my life will start tomorrow, a week from now, a year from now. It's here and I'm not a victim. It's a struggle but it's an absurd struggle, because I'm secretly Albert Camus...okay, I'm done now. I've learned so much this year and even though I'm still hesitant and bothered by some things and some people, I look back and see the change and I'm happy. Not a stupid happiness over false perfection, but a bittersweet, realistic happiness over imperfection.


Aside from the desire to lose weight, in 2009 my resolution is to live a life fulfilled.

Everything's gonna be alright.

:)

My dad showed me this...I couldn't stop laughing.
I really want to go around to people yelling "guten TAAAGGGG!!!"